SHOULD / MUST

This is a common thinking pattern and it won't be difficult to regocnize because most of us believe that the world, situations, things, and people should or must be in a certain way. 

Other words like 'ought to' and 'have to' also fall into this category. To make matters worse, we also apply demands to ourselves. How often do you think you say or think that 'people should be...this an that..'', 'I should've.. done this or that..; 'I should be married by now..'; 'I must always be on time...' etc.

What happens when we engage in rigid way of thinking? 

 

Firstly, it limits us in our lives, makes us inflexible and narrow-minded. Secondly, we criticize, condemn and complain about whatever that's violating the 'should', 'must', 'ought to' or 'have to'. We are creating a reality which is entirely of our own fabrication, we stick to it and if the things don't work or people behave the way we believe they 'should' it causes anger, frustration (and guilt when we applying demands to ourselves), it basically generates bad feelings.

How to get back to the 'real' world of how things are as opposed to 'should be'? 

• The first step would be to realise that things do not have to unfold in a certain way. Then change the rigid words (and your beliefs at the same time), otherwise you'll still end up feeling bad. 

• If you're tempted to say that 'people should behave in a certain way', the healthy thinking option would be to prefer – 'I preferred people behaved in a certain way'. Here you have more flexibility to cope when thing's don't happen this way, thus it reduces the chances of you feeling bad.

• When you are tempted to apply demands to yourself, try to reframe them. Instead of 'I must' say 'I would like to', 'It would be nice' etc. That would help to avoid guilt, anger and frustration. 

• Ask questions, for example instead stating 'She shouldn't be so rude' try 'How could she be so insensitive?'.

Let 'the critical parent' go, be open-minded and accept that things are just the way they are. We would like some things to be different, but most of the time it's beyond our control, so why to waste energy and feel angry about things which we cannot control?